The St. Patrick's Day Joy that Wasn't

First Chance

It began not being a festival of drunken splendor on Friday evening. That is when neighboring metropolis South Bend had their Saint Paddy's Day Party in the Down Town area including a 15 -Bar "Pub Crawl" and $5.00 admission Tent Party.

This one was the fourth annual. Which means that there were three years of hype rolled up into this bad boy. We had heard that last year (and I'm saying we because the original plan was to go with Shelly and my wife along with anyone else I could con into going) there were 2000+ people. It was predicted that there would be even more this year.* So five dollars to get into the tent party and maybe three dollars per drink at each bar, if we only had one drink in each one that would equal $50.00 a person without buying food or drink in the tent. It was more than we wanted to invest in an evening that were going to drink out of our memories forever.** That is not to mention the fact that with the alarming amount of people present it wasn't very likely that we'd actually make it into any of the bars.

I almost talked Mozz, Tony, Howard, Joe, Uncle Ken, Lonnie, my cousin Myke and Ryan (this kid I work with) to go to it with me.***

Second Chance

Saturday night Houlihans was having their parking lot Tent Party on the actual date of the holiday. We were going to go to that (this is the original we of Keely, Shelly and Myself). At this point we had almost talked Joe into going with us.

Keely and I were out and about early on Saturday Morning when we drove past Houlihans. They had a huge tent and a large banner advertising that evenings events. What it mainly said was "Tent Party - call 271-FOOD for details."

I called the number to get all the information I could. I wanted to be prepared, I wanted to know what was available to eat and drink and if the prices were any good. When the girl picked up the phone she said "Houlihan's how may I help you?"

"I am calling for Details." I said.

The silence was lingering but I knew I had not lost the call because I parked right outside the building. "Excuse me?" She finally answered with a question.

"I saw your sign about the tent party and it says to call this number for details. So I would like some details." I said. From my point of view this was all pretty straight forward. Keely later told me from her side of the phone call it was humorous. Funny in a way, as if I should have known to make reference to the thing in the parking lot that was basically shutting down the shopping area around it and prompted them to place banners on their building referencing it, when I asked about it.

"Just a minute," she said.

There was nothing. Then a new person picked up the phone. After Keely's coaching I had a better approach to asking the question.

"I am calling about information regarding the Tent Party?" I asked confidently.

This spurred an almost automated response from the lady explaining that four bands were going to perform, the cover charge was eight dollars and just about every thing inside was five dollars a pop. This would probably have been cheaper than hitting every bar in South Bend on the previous night but we couldn't get past the eight dollar cover. We are old and cheap people now (27-30yr olds). We can't see any reason to pay for the mere admittance into a place beyond Sam's Club or the cheap movie theatres (and we are not unanimous in that). It's sad really, because being this cheap, it isn't really apparent where all our savings is going? I am not going to think to hard about that one right now.

Plan B

As a nearly fictional member of a Management Team I have learned you almost always need a plan B. This is not because plan A is always doomed to fail, but so you don't look like an ASS when it does. There is a horrible place for leaders that often look like an ASS (unemployment). However there is another place which I am bound for that leaders go when they only look like asses to their subordinates but always look like Heroes to their superiors (mediocrity or success it's really had to tell at this point). This is a discussion for another time because there is much drinking and merriment to be had.

We picked up Shelly and Joe and brought them back to my house. Keely had gotten a CVS gift card for $25.00 when she moved a new script there. We went and let Shelly pick out the kind of booze she thought she would like to drink. I had beer, Shelly's old bottle of cheap vodka and a half bottle of Irish Creme. We ended up buying a mango mix, Malibu Coconut Rum and some very cheap whiskey.

The drinking commenced early. When Keely and I had been out and about we had bought Hot dogs and Pop at Sam's Club (that is a value of wonder right there). Later we still had our cups when we picked up the Vodka at Shelly's House. I added some to my cup and started with a Skinny Russian, before we made it to CVS.

At CVS Joe bought an energy drink beer and a jar of peanuts. He began drinking on the way back to my house. There is an open container law in INDIANA, but I live two blocks from CVS and Keely was driving. Keely by all aspects of her visual existence in the community is a SAINT. No one can see her as anything less than the kind and gentle woman that she is. I tell you now that is all a facade! She does have a great driving record. The only accidents shes been in have not been her fault and violations haven't existed on her record since 1998. Cops don't normally pull over Blond Saints two blocks from their home for not breaking any laws, even on Saint Patrick's Day.

Back at the McBrier Home Joe wanted to watch Borat (which I had recently purchased). Keely and Shelly went to get something to eat when the movie started and Joe wanted to talk with me about his blog instead of watching the movie. Little known to us, he had seen most of the movie already. He didn't get to hear all of it because of his recent living arrangements.

Joe had been living in the basement of his parents house. The why is not important. This year alone he has fallen victim to three spider bites. His family has called out an exterminator several times but it seems Spiders are the plague of our times and will not be destroyed but will bring on the destruction of all mankind. This is a theory that Howard is working on to substantiate his fear of arachnids. Once again that is a different story. So Joe moved up to the living room. His living room already has his grandmother living there. Her choice in cinema differs a lot from Joe's. She wont leave him alone when he's watching something that she doesn't care for. "Are you watching that?" she'll ask, repeatedly. It's a real concentration inhibitor.

So alone with Joe and the drinking I felt obligated to read all of his latest Blogs. That's what he's into now. He blogs on MySpace. I know it's not as fantastical as blogger but it's a starting place. He thinks it will lead to his rags to riches story of being discovered as a genius or at least talented writer/comedian. I think it's a good place for him to hone his skill if he really wants to pursue it, there is of course constant and almost instant feed back on the material he posts there. However if it's only looked at by people that like him it will be a false positive of accomplishment.

When Keely and Shelly returned we played Texas Hold'em to the best of our untrained/unlearned ability. We don't know all the rules but from a combination of printed material that came with the game and some sources online we picked up what we are calling "the basics." Then we filled in with what we call "Keely's intuitive idea of how things should be." It's fun even if it's wrong, and until we find someone who knows how to play we'll never know the difference. We are not really afraid of meeting anyone who actually knows how to play, because we seldom meet new people.

Now I don't know what happened to the fun evening I planned but somewhere mid-stride our happy train derailed in a cross relationship emotional massacre. I was sitting across from Keely and Shelly was sitting across from Joe. Suddenly Joe and Shelly were having a heated discussion pitted against each other. I think it was good intentioned on the part of both parties but neither one could see the other side. Shelly didn't want Joe to act like Joe anymore and Joe wanted the things that he said to be taken for truth instead of hurtful assumptions about things he may not have all the information about. No one cared about what I wanted, which had previously been getting drunk but had escalated to a deep desire for my friends to like each other as much as I liked them.

I don't remember how things ended. I don't know who won at Hold'em (not that any real money was involved). What I do know is that I probably won't invite Shelly and Joe to hang out at the same time for a long time, or maybe ever again. It makes me real sad because they used to be so close. They had lockers next to each other in high school. They hung out a lot. Who knows...

*It is of course after-the-fact, and I could research it and tell you how many people where there this year, but to me that would just be rehashing all that I did not partake in.

**I'm less worried about Drinking away good times now that I have a digital camera with memory card that has room for 800 pictures. I can always reference them later to piece it back together. Also I heard on NPR that we do regrow braincells now, and I have nothing to worry about, except cancer, global warming and foreign politics.


***Almost is more like - I tried to suggest that they go by telling them I was going, but in most cases it had the opposite effect. In fact when I told Howard I was going he told me that he wasn't going to go. Later when I told him I wasn't going, he suddenly was. I told him his sudden change is position on the subject was highly suspicious and was forcing me to assume he wasn't even trying to hide his extreme dislike of me; so much that he would make it completely clear he would rather be anywhere that I was not even if that meant going to places he hadn't planned on appearing at.

[if the font is all crazy sizes I am newly illiterate to teh internets]

Hanging out at the bank

This sounds really lame. It may be really lame. All I know is that on Thursday I went into one of the new building my bank has built on my lunch hour. Each of the new branch locations are about three miles away from where I work. I can make either one on my way home depending on the route I want to take.

They are architectural examples of what someone can do if they have imagination and a lot of money at their disposal. I can't even describe it with all the glass and curves. It's modern, artistic but keeps grounded with large stone accents in the walls and floors to make you feel like it's been built by very common folk in the middle ages.

The important things to note about my Credit Union (I was wrong to call it bank before) are that besides the three 42" flat wide screens that hang above the tellers while you wait, right inside the door there is an even larger one in front of a sea of cafe tables. On either side of this television is a computer terminal where you can access the Internet for free. Under the television are two pump coffee thermoses. One is decaf and the other is normal. For a cafe it doesn't compete with 7-11 and their high stakes version of coffee choice overload. It does beat all with the Internet. I never see anyone go over and use any of that stuff.

This past Thursday on the lunch break I normally don't take I got a cup of coffee after I did my banking. Then I sat down at the "no-restrictions" Internet access point. I logged on to themaxx. I turned on the NSFW filter out of courtesy to the other bankers. The screen and your back when you sit down, both face the door. Nude pictures of women/animals and various other possible oddities from a site subtitles "this might be offensive" were not something I wanted to share nor subject any else to*.

It was nice. I spent twenty minutes there, relaxing away from the questions and problems of work. I think I've done something wrong because in stead of feeling like 15 people answer to me, I often feel like I answer to them.


*The truth is for an elitist site like it is, of people sharing photographs and individuals concepts of how much they hate everyone, I have the ability to invite new users. If I did know anyone who was interested I could just submit their name with the click of a button and let them in. No one has ever taken me up on this offer. Please let me know if you'd like to become an 1337, request that I invite you in a coment.

Holy Macaroni

One day we ended up going to the boat.* If we go out to eat before we hit our losing streak I always pray that we'll be going to White Castle. In the past it was my understanding that the closest White Castle was two an half hours away. I'm speaking of the one in Kokomo Indiana. We would go once ever couple of years or just drive past it on our way to something or someone else. I am the only person in my marriage that like White Castle burgers**. Thank God for the Internet and "find a store near you" links. I was able to find one in Michigan City. The first time I found out about it I went to Google maps and made a trip. Then we ventured out in an epic journey much like Harold and Kumar (minus drugs, naked women, hijinx and Neal Patrick Harris***).

On this particular day we did not go to White Castle.

There is a Homosexual Church, that is half restaurant. Fancy restaurant. It seems pretty normal for most places we have in town. There are lots of decorations and the walls are painted to look like something from "old towne" Italy. They have a large menu some of which is brought out in the most gourmet of fashion.

I ordered the $15.99 Jambalaya. Having only known this dish from a box of Zatarain's or the many fairs and festivals Keely and I attend, my expectations weren't exactly met when they brought out the massive bowl. Around the edges of a mound of rice seated in a swamp of red brothly liquid were several "in-shell" mussels. I like seafood so that wasn't exactly a problem. Working to pry them fully open for a glorified clam was not that appealing, although I did it. On top of the rice and mixed into it were tiny bits of chicken, sausage and there may have been a third bit, but I can't remember it now. Once again I've failed in posting close enough to the event for an even mildly accurate or informative post.

I have no idea what Shelly and Keely ordered. We drank several carafes of diet Pepsi (that's how you know it's FANCY!) When the meal was over they brought us a pile of tiny individually wrapped mints. I don't know what is wrong with us, but for not drinking we were acting pretty drunk. I know what Keely's excuse was. When we parked the Jimmy in the parking lot that was completely covered with snow, her foot went through the ice that was camouflaged under the snow just outside her door as she exited the vehicle. She landed one foot, ankle deep in a muddy puddle. She froze most of the meal and became a little dilusional.

An interesting thing about this place was the speed at which they cleaned away trash. We were beside ourselves, while waiting for them to pick up the bill we had mints and when they picked up the bill they took our wrappers. Mind you we had a pile of mints, suddenly it became a game in our weak child-like minds to strategically place wrappers all about. In this game I became a winner when I chucked a mint in it's wrapper up onto a shelf built into the wall about twelve feet high. No one is gonna take care of that one any time soon...****

*Blue chip Hotel & Casino - in Michigan City, IN.

**Yes, I absolutely understand how subjectively I'm using the word Burgers.


***After getting very involved with the show "How I met your mother" and falling in love with Neal Patrick Harris's womanizing character "Barney" I read in some magazine that he was Gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that. It just hurt my mind a little to KNOW that while he was acting like a sleazy ladies man, he really wasn't interested in women at all. Slowly after that I personally think the character began to soften and "gay-up" instead of his more popular "suit-up" that he used to do. Never the less, once the head ache goes away he's the only reason I watch that show.


****Shut up that is not a hate crime!

2oz. of Vodka

Recently I'd been seeing a lot of sitcoms and one hour dramas in which a character or several characters drink straight Vodka in a glass with ice. Each time I see it that powerful force of suggestion leads me to think that I would like nothing more at that particular moment than to do exactly the same.

Normally if I drink Vodka by it self, in a shot or a glass, I'm probably already in the wrong mindset. I usually think to myself - this is going to make me ill. So I drink it fast and chase it with something I like such as Diet Pepsi. After some mild internal version of dry heaving that as far as I know isn't visual externally, I ask myself why I did such a thing when I could have simply mixed it with the Pepsi?

The answer that I now understand is that by reasons I don't feel inclined to explain (but they are I am sure scientifically anchored), diluting the Vodka with Pepsi will lengthen the time it takes to get me buzzing.

The perfection of this is mental ability (stop laughing). I took a small square "low ball" glass emblazoned with the "Crown Royal" logo. First I filled it with ice cubes (mine are the traditional crescent moon shape known throughout the world as the kind that ice makers make in personal /residential applications*). Next I measured out two ounces of Vodka and poured it over the ice. Then I sat down and turned on my Dish network. Next I began sipping the vodka. While I did this "Slow drinking" I kept the image in my mind of not being sick. I can see how that's a fine line to concentrate on but I managed it. What's better than all of that is in the short amount of time it took me to drink it, I was quickly buzzed. Before I began any of this I put on my "rehab is for quitters" shirt. It always makes me feel justified.

About an hour and a half after the only alcoholic beverage I enjoyed this Tuesday, Keely decided something very odd. A decision that made me more happy than I can recall being in a while. She decided that she was hungry. Keely decided that she was craving "Cold Stone." We hadn't had Supper yet, and she's not really a dessert first (or instead) type of person. It quickly became the best Tuesday I've had in a long time.

I had started out the morning making love to a cup**. We sat at the Doctors office for several hours. Keely and I had lunch at the "Pizza Hut" buffet. I cleaned both of our cars and learned that Windex wipes don't work or I just didn't have enough of them. I had an alcoholic beverage, ice cream and "Jimmy Johns***" for dinner. In that order!

*If someone could invent an ice maker (that comes with a refrigerator) but makes ice in a new shape...Millionaires!!! People like innovation. The crushed ice feature was nice but lets move on people???


**Those who understand will get it, the rest of you will just have to come to your own conclusions because I'm not going to elaborate.


***I've become jaded. I know, I know, BECOME? Anyways these places where you come in to have a meal and they shout at you are starting to annoy the crap out of me. I once enjoyed Jimmy Johns, but it quickly got old. I sat there thinking about their artificial cheerful attitudes while they're hiding behind several add campaigns they can't back up. Let's start with their limited delivery area (that despite two locations in my town fail to deliver to me) and finish in the "so fast you'll freak" sandwich making lies. I walk in the door they shout at me and ask loudly if I know what I want. At this point in my visits (initiated by my wife) there is one thing I want, so I shout back "Two number 14's with cheese - to go." Any question they ask after that is simply "NO." I pay, and by the time I'm done paying I should have my sandwiches and be on my way. DO I? No, not even when I am the only person in the store and they have three deli-monkeys laughing it up on the other side of the counter. They are at work, why are they having more fun than me, when I am not at work? What is wrong with me? It's that damn Macri's brainwashing - "NO SINGING - NO DANCING - NO FUN!****"

****Promptly followed by "NO FUCK-UPS TONIGHT PAULY!!!" I need that on a damn shirt.

Sin is always easy [a boring tech blog]

I have a work provided cell phone. The LG VX8300. Boasted by it’s manufacturer to be a multimedia device capable of playing MP3s, videos and a multitude of games. It comes from the Verizon shop with roughly 6mb memory.

Any pirate with a computer and a cd-rom drive can tell you that 6mb is enough room for two or three low quality tunes. This means that if you bought a $20.00 - 256mb MP3 player you’d be doing much better for a lot cheaper.

There was only one thing I could do. I called around to inquire about a memory card. My phone as it turns out takes a micro sd memory card. They come in the normal increments from 128mb to 2gb (at the time of this post) as do every other media storage device. This chip no matter how large the capacity is no bigger than my thumb nail (mind you I have large hands and equally proportionate fingers and thumbs that include matching finger and thumb nails).

Verizon was more than happy to set me up with a 256mb card for $20.00 or more I really can’t remember. It was enough of a turn off to walk over to the Radio Shack where they told me roughly $50.00 for 512mb with an adapter to connect the media card to my computer.

This is the key. You need to be able to some how connect your cell phone with your computer in a way that does not charge you air time minutes or text message fees. Once you figure that out you should be able to side step any other fees by creating your own ring tones instead of buying them and installing any other kind of content you want onto your phone.

Thoroughly displeased I sought out my needs online. Using a combination of techdeals.com, amazon.com and eBay; I found what I was looking for. Roughly $15.00 got a 1gb micro sd card delivered to my home with SD card adapter to fit into the slot on the front of my computer.

Now I was set. I could load it up with pictures, videos*, mp3s and hopefully be able to use those mp3s as ring tones. Everything worked except the ring tones idea.

Online if you go to Google (of your search engine of choice) and type in the model number of your phone, if you are lucky there will be a forum or a tutorial. That information may be more important than the manual that comes with your phone. This is mainly because it talks about all the functionality you thought your phone should have but has been mostly out of reach to you since you bought it. I think in the future when I think that I want to buy a new cell phone I will look for this information to see how hard it’s going to be to make it do what I want.

The tutorial for my phone was written by someone who was as frustrated with the information he’d been given about his phone as he was knowledgeable about making it do what he wanted. Sadly this means there is a lot of technical informational how-to steps that I have to trust him on because I have no clue. So far I haven’t fucked up my phone.

Right now to enable my phone to use mp3s for ring tones I have to trim them down to 30sec or less, put them in a directory on the memory card called “ringtones” and connect a program called “bitpim” to my phone using a USB cable (that I don’t have) or a blue tooth connection (that I don’t have) so that my phone will look in the “ringtones” directory for ringtones. So for multiple reasons I have bought a blue tooth dongle from Australia that I am waiting for. It cost me $10.00 which is a deal compared to things available locally or from a brand name manufacturer. That is provided it actually comes in the mail and works. I have only had one thing I bought on eBay be piece of crap. That was a personal cd player that had been used and was supposed to be MP3 compatible. When it arrived it would not power up. I spent too much on a broken cd player. That was the only time. I think for $20.00 I may have been able to get the usb cable from a local store, but the blue tooth dongle is supposed to let me be 100m from my computer and still use it’s functionality. That means if I change some other things via the in-depth how to instructions I should be able to surf the internet from home on my tiny phone for free on the weekends. I guess we’ll see.

*Cell phone videos
My phone can play a variety of video formats but because the screen is small and the space is limited the format that works best is 3GP. If I play a 3GP file on my computer it comes up in a window as small as the screen on my cell phone. This is frustratingly small on a 19” monitor. However it’s not too bad when it’s played on my phone.
Sadly on the torrents the most common 3GP files abundantly available for quick download are of course pornography. If I wanted a movie the download was going to take forever or I was going to have to convert it myself. I had to find out how to convert media I have into the new format and thus I say Sin is always easy.
I did convert some video to 3GP format. It was easier than I thought it was going to be using a program called “super” that I found via the tutorial. I converted the television series “the loop” and “hitch hikers guide to the galaxy” to 3GP. Now I have the guide with me where ever I go. Eventually I rip the DVD of the movie and convert it as well as put the radio show in mp3 format on my phone.