2oz. of Vodka

Recently I'd been seeing a lot of sitcoms and one hour dramas in which a character or several characters drink straight Vodka in a glass with ice. Each time I see it that powerful force of suggestion leads me to think that I would like nothing more at that particular moment than to do exactly the same.

Normally if I drink Vodka by it self, in a shot or a glass, I'm probably already in the wrong mindset. I usually think to myself - this is going to make me ill. So I drink it fast and chase it with something I like such as Diet Pepsi. After some mild internal version of dry heaving that as far as I know isn't visual externally, I ask myself why I did such a thing when I could have simply mixed it with the Pepsi?

The answer that I now understand is that by reasons I don't feel inclined to explain (but they are I am sure scientifically anchored), diluting the Vodka with Pepsi will lengthen the time it takes to get me buzzing.

The perfection of this is mental ability (stop laughing). I took a small square "low ball" glass emblazoned with the "Crown Royal" logo. First I filled it with ice cubes (mine are the traditional crescent moon shape known throughout the world as the kind that ice makers make in personal /residential applications*). Next I measured out two ounces of Vodka and poured it over the ice. Then I sat down and turned on my Dish network. Next I began sipping the vodka. While I did this "Slow drinking" I kept the image in my mind of not being sick. I can see how that's a fine line to concentrate on but I managed it. What's better than all of that is in the short amount of time it took me to drink it, I was quickly buzzed. Before I began any of this I put on my "rehab is for quitters" shirt. It always makes me feel justified.

About an hour and a half after the only alcoholic beverage I enjoyed this Tuesday, Keely decided something very odd. A decision that made me more happy than I can recall being in a while. She decided that she was hungry. Keely decided that she was craving "Cold Stone." We hadn't had Supper yet, and she's not really a dessert first (or instead) type of person. It quickly became the best Tuesday I've had in a long time.

I had started out the morning making love to a cup**. We sat at the Doctors office for several hours. Keely and I had lunch at the "Pizza Hut" buffet. I cleaned both of our cars and learned that Windex wipes don't work or I just didn't have enough of them. I had an alcoholic beverage, ice cream and "Jimmy Johns***" for dinner. In that order!

*If someone could invent an ice maker (that comes with a refrigerator) but makes ice in a new shape...Millionaires!!! People like innovation. The crushed ice feature was nice but lets move on people???


**Those who understand will get it, the rest of you will just have to come to your own conclusions because I'm not going to elaborate.


***I've become jaded. I know, I know, BECOME? Anyways these places where you come in to have a meal and they shout at you are starting to annoy the crap out of me. I once enjoyed Jimmy Johns, but it quickly got old. I sat there thinking about their artificial cheerful attitudes while they're hiding behind several add campaigns they can't back up. Let's start with their limited delivery area (that despite two locations in my town fail to deliver to me) and finish in the "so fast you'll freak" sandwich making lies. I walk in the door they shout at me and ask loudly if I know what I want. At this point in my visits (initiated by my wife) there is one thing I want, so I shout back "Two number 14's with cheese - to go." Any question they ask after that is simply "NO." I pay, and by the time I'm done paying I should have my sandwiches and be on my way. DO I? No, not even when I am the only person in the store and they have three deli-monkeys laughing it up on the other side of the counter. They are at work, why are they having more fun than me, when I am not at work? What is wrong with me? It's that damn Macri's brainwashing - "NO SINGING - NO DANCING - NO FUN!****"

****Promptly followed by "NO FUCK-UPS TONIGHT PAULY!!!" I need that on a damn shirt.